Thursday, May 22, 2008

this is the first day of my life

i rose this morning to new snow and a strange quiet. the high bedroom window had been open all night and my blanket had fallen off and i awoke, cold and alone. my ears rang with the silence.
there is a specific quiet that accompanies new snow. it's a muffling of distracting noise, a deadening of invasive traffic, a dampening of worldly ambiance. scarcely an inch of the stuff calms the chaos of living. in the sequestered mountains, it's always easy to hear yourself think, but the snow adds another level of solitude. it insulates the world, capturing the din and tucking it away in its cold crevices. i like it when i take my dog out and he barks and barks, but the noises don't carry across the large expanse. sound waves are simply...absent.
maybe that is why, before i even opened my eyes, i could tell that somehow, the world was different. my head had an unfamiliar emptiness in it. after days and days of waking up from the same nightmare to the same dread, after fighting every hour to keep at bay the loneliness and the worry and the fear and the insecurity confusion apprehension weight sadness--today i felt only the striking sense of quiet. i had slept all the way through the night. my mind was clear. yes i was cold, but it was a clarifying type of chill. yes i was alone, but i was not lonely. it's different. you choose to be alone.
snow in may! these weather patterns were not predicted, but when you live in a place that doesn't exist, the universe don't have to follow any special order. i myself was surprised to wake up to the silence. i just didn't think it possible at this time of year, after everything that happened, for the cold and the silence to come. the snow infiltrated my mind to freeze up and kill off all the excess. nature, even in its backwards state, knew how to fix everything.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
it whispered, and left me to myself

1 comment:

IngridLola said...

Hi lex. i have a blog too. how did you format yours? i want my font to be helvetica too. love, ingrid